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My webmaster has been trolling the internet looking for some (mostly) railway-related amusement and this is what he has found.


Two drunks were stumbling home (illegally, of course) along a pair of railway tracks. The first drunk complains "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."

The second drunk replies "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down."

Two linesmen are chatting in the mess room at lunchtime.

"'Ere, Fred, you'll never guess what I found today. A girl tied to the railway tracks! Like something from a silent film it was!"

"Jesus Joe, what did you do?"

"Well, I untied her and we made mad passionate love as a way of thanks!"

"Wow, that's really something! Was she a good looker?"

"Not sure, I couldn't find her head!"

In Australia, a man on the Spirit of Progress instructed one of the attendants, "I have to get off at Seymour. I'm a heavy sleeper, but I must get off there. I want you to put me off, whatever I say."

The next morning he woke up at Sydney! He found the attendant and gave him a piece of his mind. After he had left, somebody asked the attendant, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk?"

"That's nothing! You should have heard the guy I put off at Seymour!"

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest but, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed,and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand, you drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...because we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out you may play with your train again but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and I hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay.....please see the bitch in the kitchen."

One-Liners


A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He's my arch enemy.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

I've always liked one-liners. That's why I'm a fan of monorails.

Ticket inspectors. You've got to hand it to them…

What's the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the trains…

I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

I miss the old days of railway when the driver had plenty of esteem.

A driver took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says "A pint for me, please, and one for the road".

I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn't want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

A passenger train is creeping slowly along. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out of the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace but within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking past again.

She leans out of the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow?"

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull a dollar bill out of their wallets. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs."

Men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her stocking tops.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently awakens the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farts.


There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

'No', I admitted.

'Then that explains', she said, 'why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.'

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the railway company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

'Congratulations,' the lawyer remarked to the engineer when it was over. 'You did superbly under cross-examination.'

'Thanks,' the engineer murmured, 'but he sure had me worried.'
'How's that?' the lawyer inquired.

'I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit.'

The following is allegedly an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company [Larnrod Eireann].


Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan


Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann


Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

It's the third week in January, three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference in Brighton. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks an accountant. 'Watch and you'll see', answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'All tickets please.'

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed accountant.' Watch and you'll see, 'answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.Will and Guy's humor Ticket JokeWill and Guy's humor Ticket JokeWill and Guy's humor Ticket Joke

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'All tickets please.'

Two drunks were stumbling home along a pair of railway tracks.The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face?

Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!

Friend: With whom?

Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.

Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?

Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!

Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?

Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!

Friend: But what did she look like?

Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!

Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!

Railway inspector: I don't know, I never found her head.

"The guard is the man, asleep in the van

the van at the back of the train.

The driver up front, thinks the guard is a c**t

and the guard thinks the driver's the same!"


"The guard is the man, asleep in the van

dreaming of making a fiver.

When he awakes, he screws on the brakes

and blames the delay on the driver!" /p>

This bloke got on the Southern Aurora in Melbourne, planning to get off in Albury. When the conductor came around and checked his ticket, he was alarmed to learn that the train didn't stop at Albury! "But it is imperative that I get off at Albury" the passenger complained. "Couldn't you get the train to stop and let me off?" he pleaded. The conductor thought for a moment then suggested "No, we are definitely not allowed to stop there but I've got an idea. I'll ask the driver to slow down as much as possible and I'll help you get off the train on the move. If you just jump off you will land flat on your face and badly injure yourself so I will hold you out the door and you start running. When your legs are running fast enough, I'll lower you onto the platform. Just make sure that you stop running before we get to the end of the platform!".

The passenger agreed to this, so as they entered the platform and the driver slowed down the conductor held the bloke out of the door as he said he would. The bloke started running furiously but the train was about half way up the platform before the conductor lowered him. He managed to keep his balance as he raced towards the end of the platform gradually slowing down. Just as the rear of the train passed him, a hand grabbed his collar and he was yanked back into the train! He turned around to see the guard with a big grin on his face saying to him "Thought you'd missed it, didn't you?"

A man called a taxi company in Waterford (Sth Ireland) and said "Can you help me? I need a taxi urgently. I need to catch the 10 o'clock train to Dublin."

The man at the other end said "Well, we are very busy at the moment but we'll have a taxi out to you as soon as we possibly can, but don't worry, the 10 o'clock is always late."

The first man then said, "It certainly will be today, I'm the driver."

A lady passenger got off the train at the newly built standard gauge railway station at Jamestown, with a child in her lap and 2 cases.

On inquiry she found that Jamestown the town was some 2 miles away from the station.

"Why did you not build the station nearer to the town." She screamed at the station master.

"Well at first, we thought the same", said the station master, "but then, we decided to build the station near the railway line!"

Regards,

John

London Underground Announcements


"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a wheelie bin."


"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."


"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."


"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now 'Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall...'."


"We are now travelling through Baker Street station. As you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."


"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."


During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, towels are not provided."


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'Stand Clear of the Doors' don't you understand?"


"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your #@&%! - sideways."

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out of the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watch-less traveler can hardly whip out his chequebook fast enough to hand over a cheque for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries."

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blow its horn for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well you know, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother.

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go to visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was away. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

A Paddington railwayman noticed a man looking worried at the top of the underground escalator. Twenty minutes later he was still there. “What’s the problem?” “It says there, ‘Dogs must be carried’, and I can’t find one”.

Passenger : “How long will the next train be, will it run on time?”

Porter: “Same as usual, sir; three carriages and it will run on rails!”

“I knew of a young idiot who was going at 100mph trying to beat a train to the level crossing!”

“Did he get across?”

“Yes, a lovely marble one!”